Freedom: Is it worth it?

Posted by Doreen | 12:00 AM | | 0 comments »

Nowadays, my time is constantly occupied with assignments and tests. I am thinking of how long i havent blog. I missed blogging. But something happened today which makes me want to blog about it.

This morning, this thought kept on tugging at me.
Why are we given freedom? Why does God gives us the freedom to choose? Why? Why? Why?
Why are we given the freedom to do whatever we want? Why can i say things or do things as if it does not hurt anyone at all? Why can we sin and then we can turn around and go on with our daily lives as if we did not just do something that is wrong?

I did something wrong today..... I knew it was wrong but i did it anyway. Why? That is why i ask why God give us the freedom to choose? I chose to do wrong today oblivious to the warnings given by someone. Why?

Conclusion is: My God loves me too much to not give me the freedom to choose. He wants me to love HIm back without forcing me to. He loved me so  much that He let His son died in my place for the sins that i have. 

But that is why I always ask God: Is it worth it to love someone like me and to give me the freedom to choose?

He told me I'm worth it. I know when i sinned i make Him cry. I know He gives me lots of warnings before i even sinned but i chose to ignore it. I know that makes Him cry. When i choose to sin, sin kills me in a way that makes Him cry. Why do I always make Him cry? Can i not make Him cry?

Today lots of thoughts went through my mind. I started to doubt your will in my life. I dont like to teach. I dont like to prepare lesson plans. I dont like assignments..... But i know this is the best way and the best path that you have carefully planned for me. I cant see the end of this path but I know and I trust that You love me and You will never leave me nor forsake me. 

It is 12 midnight... I am tired.... I AM VERY STRESS......... I have done wrong today..... I am hungry....

But I know I AM LOVED BY YOU! And the freedom you give to me is worth it, cause i will use it to love You back..... Forgive me for making You cry.... I AM SORRY.... I REPENT...

Today I learnt an important lesson from God on the topic of love. Valentine is around the corner but it is not about the kind of love between a boy and girl but today's lesson is about loving people around us. Our A42 family had a house meeting yesterday. It is about the house we are going to rent next time we moved to UM. I have to admit it was not easy for me to sit through the meeting. I have to admit I am going through a period of my life that I am sick of getting hurt from the same people again and again. I guess I have lived with this family for so long that I have grown to love this family, yet there are times that we had our fair share of conflict and quarrels and silent periods. I am so tired and sick of it that I suggested to move out and stay with other ppl. [PPs I am sorry for not being honest during the meeting. I just do not want to hurt you girls. And as I reflect and ponder on the things we had said in the meeting, I have learnt to sort things out and find the core of my dissatisfaction and my disappointment.]

So today, I did lots of thinking. And during CF, the bible study topic that we did was LOVE! So i am reminded about the whole incident and the A42 family.

Is it so hard for me to love these ppl?

The answer is yes and no. Loving nice ppl who treats you nice is very easy definately but what about ppl who has their own character and personality?


God is reminding me with the verse that says love God with all your soul and your might and then love thy neighbour just like how you love yourself.  I was struck by this verse during the discussion. Have I been loving the ppl around me just like how I love myself? When I say I am sick of getting hurt, am i hurting other ppl in the process?

There is this famous quotation by someone[i dont know who] that goes like this:
Hurting people hurt people. Period. Full Stop.  Am i hurting? But today I was overwhelmed by the way God turn things around and healed my broken heart.

After the CF, my best friend ask me for 5 mins when we get back home. SHE WANTS TO TALK TO ME! ( Whenever somebody say that to another person it means something like-hey i got something i am not happy about and i want to talk about it.) So lots of thoughts went through my mind. What should I do? I bet she is going to talk about the issue we discuss last night. And on and on it goes.

I try to avoid the 5 MINS when i got back home but i know she is a stubborn girl and she wont let me go until she had given me a piece of her mind. So the 5 mins were up in a flash but the conversation went on and on and on......

But little did I know that God was healing my broken heart slowly as the conversations unfold. It was hard but I knew God wanted me to open up and let Him heal this broken heart of mine. I didnt know that i have closed up so much towards this girl who I called my best friend. I guess God is teaching me to love in a new level. The love that ppl usually talk about is very selfish but today I learnt how to love in another whole new level. It is just one part of our journey of friendship where we are stopping at the pit stop to rest and recuperate. [The conversation went wasnt like she was scolding me but we were having one of our long reflection sessions that we used to have when we were staying in the hostel. I really missed it....But SHE has promised to have more of this kind of sessions... LOL sounds like counselling sessions. It is a time where we just spend time with each other and hear each other pour out and cry....]

I didnt realise i have wrote so long... =) Haha.... Ya.. today is such a beautiful day where God had done something in this little heart of mine. I feel I can love more and this time.. I appreciate the friendship offered by my A42 family. They make me feel so loved. And the conflicts are rarely brought out of the house. Our other friends always think that our house ppl never fight and quarrel. =) I guess we do but at the end of the day we know we still loved each other.

So today have been a lovey dovey day...... I feel so loved by a God who thinks of me all the time and how He is healing my broken heart.

This year's CNY was a bit different. A lot of things seemed to be missing. Our family didn't do steam boat this time. And after i came back I realised our family didn't even take a family picture together. Haiz... Everyone is busy going for gatherings and meeting friends that we forgot the most impotant thing which was to spend time with our own family. This time i really felt like not coming back to KL. I cried the night before i came back. I don't know why but it is just very different this time. I missed my family so much. Although it was very noisy at times yet after my brothers all went back to KL and malacca, I felt that things were so quiet. I woke up early this morning at 6 am to say goodbye to my lil bro as my bus is at 12pm which at that time he will still be in school. I guess the family that i left behind will be faced with the sudden quietness that is even worse compare to how i feel. BUt i guess this is life. We cannot always be with our loved ones every single moment but we can do our best to excel in life so that they are proud of us. 

Ya.. So this CNY i met up with friends and also straigten my hair....

This is our form 5 gathering. So sad.. Only ten of us turned up. I guess it was because of the date which is the second day of CNY so everyone else is still busy visiting their relatives so they cannot come for the gathering. So to all those sixers out there-Please try to make it to our next gathering next year. It will be in Kai Feng's house. =) Already asked him and sign agreement already... Hahaha....


I met up with my little juniors/friends from my church. I also got to know a new girl called Peggy. she is the second girl from the left with specs one. She is one funny girl. And from the start of the conversation she had already said that she wants to get marry asap and other stuff which makes me laughed until i nearly fell off the chair. MInd you she is only 20 i think. I told her life is more than just marry and give birth to children but she thinks life is like that.

Next.... I went to straighten my hair...

This was before i straigten.

This is after i straighten.... =) New Year with a new look...

Then on Saturday I went bowling with my friends.... Broke a few of my nails... [A good reminder for those who wants to go for bowling is to cut your fingernails first!!!]

This two girls have grown up a lot.... One aspiring to be a biomedical engineer (i Think) the other one is to be a teacher.  Thanks to you both, I really had a good time playing bowling with you girls and thanks for sharing lives together with me. =) All the best in your studies and Eli-all the best in getting the course that you want to study....